sometimes i blame the both of you for the way my life turned out. but im also grateful at the same time.
sometimes i think you two could've been more adult in the way you dealt with your problems instead of letting me become collateral damage.
sometimes i feel that you could include me more in your lives and the choices you make instead of making me feel so left out. at times i just feel orphaned.
sometimes i get so envious of other people's families. no matter how dysfunctional their life may turn out, they still have their parents to fall back on. i feel like i have to fend for myself.
or when their parents are always always there to support whatever performance or event they take part in. i feel like you two were hardly there.
the two of you are leading your own lives, mostly without me. i even HAVE to ask if i wanna tag along. otherwise, i think you may have forgotten about my existence.
sometimes i just miss having the two of you around. i hardly see the two of you. i wish you were more involved. i wish you wanted to be more involved.
im alr an only child. alr as lonely as can be. the two of you made me feel more alone than i could ever be.
sometimes i wish things were different.
sometimes i wish you could make me feel more loved.
sometimes i wish you made me feel more wanted.
sometimes i just hate my life.
i still need more time before im ready to say it. in the meantime, wait, be patient, and in time you'll see it's all worth it.
now my problem is myself. i see a future with you. but at the same time i feel like i can do without you. like if you feel like leaving me, i wont crumble and fall like i did like the last time for all of 9 months of my life. i just dont wanna get back to that stage anymore. explains my defence walls. too fucking high. im scared. i dont wanna hurt like before. i dont wanna hurt like that ever. never again.
both R and Z tell me that im great company because im comfortable to hang out with.
really?
i feel like lately im so caught up in my depression that they dont even know how to cheer me up.
sigh. can we just hang out, sit/lie there and not talk?
just enjoy the silence and the night sky.
ive lost count of the number of times ive tried calling. i know ive never tried so much with anyone else before. the waiting, the being there at your beck and call, putting up with everything.
im sorry. i was upset with you and i shouldnt have said those things. in my defense, i said it because i was angry.
and after all this rubbish happening, after trying to get over you on move on, i've come to realise you still matter so much to me. youre still the one i love. and i dont just tell any guy that. because it isnt easy. and only until im sure then i'll say it.
i went through stuff for you. 7 months worth. i honestly thought you werent gonna change and it was hurting me. i got scared and i wanted out.
then i put you through stuff too. 2 months worth. but hurt cannot be measured with time. it cant be compared either.
im not even sure right now who has become collateral damage.
im just sorry. i never meant for things to turn out this way. i just know i regret making the decisions i made. i was impulsive, i wasnt really thinking. and i know it reflected badly on me.
but dont you dare say youre just a stand in or that im making use of you. its not like there arent any others interested. you know it.
youre making a mistake.
both of us know how we feel about each other.
youre blinded by the novelty of all this.
btw, youre an asswipe for giving up so easily.
youre gonna end up hurting 3 people.
its bs telling me that its too late and all that.
whats wrong with you?
we both can see that future. we both know how you feel about me. theres no denying it.
we have history. we've been through a lot. enough for me to know youre still worth it.
one day. one day youre gonna see how much i love you and realise.
in the meantime, the rational part of me is telling me to let you make that mistake. anyways, youre alr taking the first few steps i did. in exactly the same fashion.
by doing what youre doing now though, youre losing half of me.
the other half is still holding on because i wouldve wanted you to do the same for me.
i hate you
and i've lost all respect for you as my mother
youre never supportive
you always question
youre so fucking judgemental. so quick to jump to conclusions about other people. even your own daughter isnt spared.
youre always losing your temper at people. and when you find out youre in the wrong, you never, never apologise. but then you expect me to??
you've never fulfilled your duty as my mother
all you did was provide food, shelter and an education
you were never there when i needed you most
you never listened
and when you did listen, you turned what i said against me
you turned your back on me
its not that i've become brazen
and im not answering back
im just protecting myself from whatever this is that youre inflicting on me.
you were selfish too.
you divorced daddy when i was just a child
you werent there. you were too busy with lawrence and his children. what about your own? you didnt even let my own father near me. daddy missed out on me growing up. and we can never get that back, ever. i hated my childhood because of you. now, thinking back, it kinda was non-existent.
i guess you were scared to lose me to him. but hey, you alr kinda did when you chose your boyfriends over me. and you always do. you missed out on my most important birthdays because of them.
you have no idea how much you've hurt me.
youre supposed to be my mom.
but all you did was cause me tears.
you made me feel like im such a disappointment to you. i've never made you proud. you've never been proud of me. you never said you loved me.
how can i ever heal from this. when youre constantly doing this to me.
for example, during cny, when i was single, people always asked me where my boyfriend was (they always assumed i had one and no one would ever believe im single. sucks.). and whenever they'd ask me, i'd jokingly reply, which one?
its not so funny anymore now that im really in this situation.
and if i tell anyone, it would seem like im boasting.
but go ahead, call my bluff.
suddenly last night, another guy was added to the equation. The one i used to call Z.
all these boys, minus mr needy, in the end the same thing, it really is too late.
y'all never realised my worth til i was gone.
i never moved on immediately. i always stuck around. all of you knew that.
but its really too late once the grace period is over.
i know this is god's plan. but im not sure whats his point in all of this.
to see how much of this i can take until i cave?
or to see how much of this both of us can handle.
i really, honestly, sincerely hope both of us can get through all of this.
cuz after all of this, i choose you. i hope you dont walk out on me cuz you cannot take it. =(
then theres this other random malay dude who keeps pm-ing me on fb.
disgusting.
babe, i'll show you once you get back. you'll get a laugh out of it.
i think he's old, off his game, and off his rocker.
sigh,i hope you treasure me. not like these other boys.
i've decided to care less. to protect myself. so i wont hurt.
last night when you laid this on me, i went back to my old self.
i smoked. it was my coping mechanism.
after sitting there for like forever, smoking, emo-ing away. i decided that i dont wanna be like how i used to be. unhealthy emotionally.
after making that decision, i didnt even feel the urge to smoke anymore.
my heart felt lighter.
but like i said,
you know how i feel about you.
you know too much. so much so that i've put myself in a very vulnerable position.
not texting you doesnt mean i dont care.
im just guarding myself.
because my life has drama/nonsense/shit happening, i need you to be that pillar for me. i need sth concrete. i dont like this air of uncertainty. and i certainly dont appreciate it.
i suddenly feel like we keep getting tested. it hasnt even been a month. but it alr feels like a few because so much has happened on my side.
first was mr 7 months. then it was mr needy. now it's mr 4-years-ago.
was this what the lord planned for me when i prayed for us?
maybe i see why he's doing this. i think he wants us to work through this to make us stronger.
but i really feel like i need a break.
cant the tests wait til later?! im damn tired la. i've got a lot on my plate. AND I DONT WANNA DEAL WITH THIS SHIT. can i please just not? give me a break.
i would really like to enjoy this. i dont wanna make or break anything. i dont wanna fastforward anything.
you asked me last night, what if a better guy comes along the way?
i told you, he'd be in line behind you.
yes, there's still a line.
until you become that guy for me.
and when you do, all this im feeling will magically disappear and so will that line.
as of now, im single and i dont belong to anyone.
but this property is hot. and you need to claim it soon. just in case.
i am thinking too fucking much, its crazy.
i know i need to stop.
how is this valid?
i have to keep reminding myself of all the things you're not.
this is way out of my comfort zone, its not even funny.
how is this 3 weeks timely? i hardly think so.
i think we need to establish what we are.
i feel like we left things hanging.
i feel like youre sending me mixed signals cuz you yourself arent sure of what you want.
but just to put my mind at ease, you tell me sth more concrete like; we're gonna get tgt, its just a matter of time. but youre not even 100% sure.
you. you have no idea what im going through.
this is just a fraction of how im feeling.
tell me.
tell me what is it im supposed to think,
what is it im supposed to feel.
OMG D
can i just be selfish and tell you i don't wanna deal with you today
its the same thing day in day out
between you and your bf.
and it just so happens that today isn't my best.
i have my own set of problems. don't lay it on me.
no, just not today.
Am i really that self centered and tactless?
Or is it only to you?
Apparently you feel the same way about me as how i feel about you.
I've always known to reciprocate feelings. But it seems that this time, I've subconsciously done it to you too.
fuck.
knowing me for the longest time doesnt mean you can comment on me without tact. being direct is fine. but say it with tact. it's happened too often alr.
and if i tell you about it or when you find out about it, you're gonna be all innocent and think you're in the right. as i've witnessed while you do that with others.
watch what you say. being close to me and thinking that i dont have a temper doesnt mean you can walk all over me.
despite popular believe that im a wild child,
i actually am a very family orientated person, traditional and i do like staying at home. of course, i do occasionally do get bored and wanna hang out with friends. but its just chilling some where and talking.
why is it that people give me that face when they find out that i stayed home instead of going out. tsk.
i think i turned out rather okay considering what i went through with my parents. i didnt do stupid things like cut myself, drugs, get involved with gang stuff. im glad. im glad that my friends, who've had similar backgrounds, turned out well too.
aaaand, i've lost my point.
i absolutely love my iPod. it's been with me for about 6 years. and it still working. how awesome is that!
