i wish i had the money to travel at whim!
i keep hearing adil talk about surfing.
makes me feel like i wanna go back to bali with my best friend.
pfft.
now all i need is my trusty rashguard and money. and whoever is free and wants to go.
actually i think i have enough money to go nearby places. but once i go, i wont have any money left.
but how pathetic is this - i can only go like penang or port dickson. -.-
think i'll just save from now til next year, after cny.
hope i have enough by then.
ugh.
i dont wanna stay in sg. i wanna go some where and be carefree. for like a week or so.
not so happy
I can't even enjoy today cuz of the fckn final submissions next week. I hate myself for procrastinating. Damn the model making and technical drawings. I can't wait to start on plants.
I feel like it's not just school. I've been feeling like that for awhile. But I can't seem to put a finger on what the fuck is bothering me. I wasn't even in the mood to celebrate since last week. I didn't even plan to meet friends. But I do still wanna meet them. So I've settled for next saturday, after final submissions. Actually, come to think of it, Thurs night is possible too since Fri is a hol. I'll start planning after wed morn's submission. I wanna sit somewhere and drink like old times. I wanna get wasted for the first time cuz I know this time I have a bf to rely on. Love him to bits.
This week basically sucked. Busy with school shit and on top of that the bf was outfield. Which also means not contactable. I can't even take comfort in listening to his voice at the end of the day. And, now that it's my birthday, I'm feeling more cranky than before. I've still got almost twenty hours before we finally meet. This is almost torture. Counting down the days wasn't so bad cuz I was kept busy with school. But, if I had the choice, I'd rather be busy with sth else. Duh! Who wouldn't? Well, my week wasn't totally lousy. I had mornings and nights to look forward to. Because that meant opening his texts. (He sent me 10 texts at a go before he left for outfield cuz he knew he wouldn't be able to contact me. And he wanted me to cheer up a little about the situation). 2 texts per day. 1 for morning and 1 for at night. It's great but it doesn't beat talking to him at night.
I've never in my life felt so safe, secure, stable and all that. I've never been able to feel like I'm able to rely on someone, trust someone like that. No doubt, I'm still
a little commitment phobic. (I say
little cuz he's able to curb
so many, well most, of my doubts and insecurities.) I'm still a lil apprehensive of the future, whatever it may hold. There's no such thing as a guarantee for relationships. No money back guarantees, no warranties, nothing. Everything is just banked on love. Yet, I can see a future with him.
Like I said, he doesn't see his good points. But I think the world of him. He just hasn't seen what I've already known.
I'm lucky to have you, B.
i love my friends.i like that they understand me too.i had a convo with Ry earlier over msn.i almost cried when i read what he typed.i guess i was touched that he noticed how i was and was giving me the space i needed.[Ry] got me on my knees, Layla.... says (11:14 PM): hey[Ry] got me on my knees, Layla.... says (11:15 PM): sorry i was a lil busy last night wanted to say it really is great that you got mee siam i mean after what you've been through,☆Rinster says (11:15 PM): yeah i know[Ry] got me on my knees, Layla.... says (11:15 PM): which i cant imagine only because you're so tough that you keep it inside☆Rinster says (11:15 PM): thanks[Ry] got me on my knees, Layla.... says (11:15 PM): and its very admirable i wish i coulda been there for you more but im very proud of how you pulled out of it[Ry] got me on my knees, Layla.... says (11:16 PM): and the happiness you got now is yours to treasure and you deserve completely i had deep sympathy for you but its now the utmost respect and gratification taht you got your happiness[Ry] got me on my knees, Layla.... says (11:17 PM): im very proud to be your friend rin i hope it keeps on going well for you and mee siam for ages ages to come love you☆Rinster says (11:18 PM): haha how do you know i keep things like that to myself?[Ry] got me on my knees, Layla.... says (11:19 PM): you kidding me? you're the toughest girl i know you take so much shit and even when ya cant take it, ya call ya friends out to meet, y ya dont even pour it on them just taking their company as a momentary relief and a bit of support of course ive always had great respect for you[Ry] got me on my knees, Layla.... says (11:20 PM): more so now☆Rinster says (11:20 PM): thanks for understanding me but how do you know that? i mean i dont show it☆Rinster says (11:21 PM): like you said, i dont tell.[Ry] got me on my knees, Layla.... says (11:21 PM): hahahhaha your eyes rin when you're down, they dont smile along with your lips when ya called me out that night at my place with lyon too[Ry] got me on my knees, Layla.... says (11:22 PM): when you were telling em the story you told it as if it was the most carefree thing in the world and still smiled when me and lyon made stupid jokes and all after u were done telling the story but the whole time your eyes never smiled with your lips and it broke my heart☆Rinster says (11:22 PM): oh[Ry] got me on my knees, Layla.... says (11:23 PM): i didnt say anything to try and comfort you because that would've disrespected your efforts to be strong so i kept quiet but it broke my heart☆Rinster says (11:23 PM): thanks[Ry] got me on my knees, Layla.... says (11:23 PM): and won all of my respect at the same time☆Rinster says (11:23 PM): that would have been what i wanted too at that time. for you not to say anything.[Ry] got me on my knees, Layla.... says (11:23 PM): exactly i knew that too thats why i didnt but i thought abt you all the time your pain[Ry] got me on my knees, Layla.... says (11:24 PM): and your toughness☆Rinster says (11:24 PM): i just needed the quiet company.[Ry] got me on my knees, Layla.... says (11:24 PM): and im so fucking happy you've got your ahppiness now tots☆Rinster says (11:25 PM): tots?[Ry] got me on my knees, Layla.... says (11:25 PM): haha totally-
love.
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it all started with a kiss.
phuture.
25th march 2009.
but, officially, 10th April 2009.
dad, i fucking love you.
fuck.
im in a bad mood.
my father NEVER fails to make me feel like shit. Never.
one small thing like going for an ex's grsndma's wake, he carried on and on about it. fucking annoyed the shit outta me. thanks a lot for spoiling my day.
i was sure i wanna be with him but now you made me so fucking unsure.
whatever you said made me feel like i might go through the same shit with this one like i did with M.
i like being transparent with everyone but you. you, i have to watch what i say around. i dont like doing this around my own dad. everything i tell you, you turn it around and make it into sth bad then you bring up my past and make me feel like shit all over again. you like bringing up my past and you tell me not to tell anyone else about it. sometimes i keep too many things to myself about my past that i feel like i have to see a shrink for it. i have no idea why you still have 2 women after you even when you treat them so badly. sometimes i feel like i love you but sometimes i feel like your scum. i guess this is what a love/hate relationship means. but, for now, fuck you.
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