Resolutions
i need to attend mass. like seriously.
i dont like what im becoming.
i need to be less angsty and less bitter.
because you're over there,
i need to deal with everything myself over here.
Why Me
OMG D
can i just be selfish and tell you i don't wanna deal with you today
its the same thing day in day out
between you and your bf.
and it just so happens that today isn't my best.
i have my own set of problems. don't lay it on me.
no, just not today.
Lousy Day
I really really don't like fighting.
=(((
Am i really that self centered and tactless?
Or is it only to you?
Apparently you feel the same way about me as how i feel about you.
I've always known to reciprocate feelings. But it seems that this time, I've subconsciously done it to you too.
I'm sorry, i really am.
what the hell is wrong with me
I quote me
"its just sad when a couple stops trying. or if one of them does. then that spark is gone. so is the magic in that relationship."
Piss OFF
fuck.
knowing me for the longest time doesnt mean you can comment on me without tact. being direct is fine. but say it with tact. it's happened too often alr.
and if i tell you about it or when you find out about it, you're gonna be all innocent and think you're in the right. as i've witnessed while you do that with others.
watch what you say. being close to me and thinking that i dont have a temper doesnt mean you can walk all over me.
despite popular believe that im a wild child,
i actually am a very family orientated person, traditional and i do like staying at home. of course, i do occasionally do get bored and wanna hang out with friends. but its just chilling some where and talking.
why is it that people give me that face when they find out that i stayed home instead of going out. tsk.
i think i turned out rather okay considering what i went through with my parents. i didnt do stupid things like cut myself, drugs, get involved with gang stuff. im glad. im glad that my friends, who've had similar backgrounds, turned out well too.
aaaand, i've lost my point.
i absolutely love my iPod. it's been with me for about 6 years. and it still working. how awesome is that!
Shopping Day With Nissaaaaaa
tsk
this fat indian bitch landed her hairy elephant feet on mine when the train jerked forward. i wanted to hurl profanities at her so badly. but she looked so socially awkward, i decided not to.
i feel ashamed for feeling like that but it really really hurt. but if she'd apologised, these feelings would've evaporated instantaneously.
_____________________________________________________
on another note,
i overspent. =/
its THE GSS! i really couldnt help it!
1 bikini
1 legging
2 dresses
3 tops
i juuuuuust tried on the bikini and i think its damn sexy. <333
now, who wants to go tanning with me!?
Sigh
looking through your photos,
i feel the pressure
and im not sure i can live up to it
what makes you so sure about me?
what is it about me?
Temptations
I FEEL LIKE SMOKINGGGGG
but i know i dont actually want to.
oh. and as of today, it's been one month since my last.
my phone is so quiet now that you're gone. =(((
Ever So Broken
okay. i wanna heal. and i want you to be the one to heal me. i want you to be the one to get rid of all my fears. i just want you to be the one.
are you able to live up to that?
tsk. i feel so weak with my insecurities. what if this, what if that.
=/
my biggest fear is what if you should walk out on me one day. what then?
TSKKK. i think too much. so fucking neurotic.
what i do know now is this. once im rid of all my fears and insecurities, i will be able to fully immerse myself in this. whatever this is between us. right now, my heart has put up this barrier because im afraid of getting hurt again. you're able to lift that barrier a bit so far. and i know you're able to get rid of it with time.
sigh.
but right now, i am just thinking too fucking much.
zzz.
i feel upset with myself for missing the period of lent
=(((
Fear
i find myself retracting.
these are my languages of love, and i feel like we're not communicating.
First Mass of the Year
fucking finally went to church today
im totally due for confession.
was on time for mass, which also mean no more seats left.
i feel damn greedy. i prayed for a lot of things.
i feel like you're my catalyst for change.
sometimes i feel like i did the most bastard thing a girl could do to her ex
Conflicted
i cant sleep.
a million and one things are running through my mind
trying to make sense of it all
your actions confuse me
idk what to think
i realise im afraid of so many things
the thing im most afraid of is you walking out on me.
all you had to do was one thing to trigger this. and you're at strike 2.
Better
after hitting rock bottom, the only place you can look is up.
i dont ever wanna fall like that again.
i felt like i put myself through that and the only one who could save me, didnt.
but i picked myself up and dusted off my knees. im still hurting but im almost as good as new.
i wished someone was there to break my fall.
i wished someone was there to pick me up.
i wish i could wish away all this.
i wish, i wish, i wish ...
but someone did come along the way to treat my wounds and im slowly healing.
i hope i never have to go through this again.
in light of recent events,
i find that i'm emotionally dependent and reliant on you.
maybe too much in fact.
i'm still very afraid of the what-ifs.
it will take time to overcome this.
but in the meantime, i guess i should be self sufficient. just in case.
because i don't know what i'd do without you.
TSK
i really hate having to watch what i say around ppl.
i usually am candid and i think aloud.
but lately, i feel like someone's waiting for me to just say sth to trap myself.
i need my girlfriend time. =(
I'm Tired.
this again?
my dad told me that all my boyfriends will take advantage of my niceness, patience and all that. that they will come back. that i shouldnt give them that chance because it's too late, they didnt treasure me. i dont deserve this. but im too soft.
but stubborn stubborn me. i chose to overlook it. i let myself be put through this. i chose not to listen to my dad, yet again.
i've been cheated on and taken advantage of. but i've learned how to handle it. and i dont like being put through this.
i stuck around for more than half a year because i didnt get cheated on. took me that long to get over you.
i decided that i deserve better. but its too late for you to wanna try to be better for me. only now then you see what you've lost. i really wished you saw this earlier. then i wouldnt have been so hurt for so long. im honestly tired. there was a period of time where i loved you more than myself but right now, i love myself more. so i wont put myself through that any longer.
no more. im moving on. im letting you go.
all i can do now is be there for you as you were there for me.
k nvm
i've chosen this one. the previous template had a lot of faults.
im not putting up a tagboard. but do feel free to comment!
i mean really, even if has nothing to do with my post.
but dont forget to fill in your name.
i need to change my blog template. suggestions? anyone???
Goodbyes and Hellos
i think I've waited long enough. i decided to end things formally, properly. albeit over sms.
cuz idk when i'll see you again. definitely not anytime soon. both of us knew that this isn't gonna go anywhere. i think i deserve better. not that you're lousy.
I'm grateful that you stuck by me over this period of time or i'd have gone haywire.
i knew i had the strength to do this when i realised i can get over this. i could end it cuz i knew if you started dating, i wouldn't be jealous. i think i've finally gotten my closure i needed.
and i'm feeling fine now. really. it's because i alr went through the depression and the ups and downs a few times(alone).
i'm genuinely tired. i can't keep chasing and clinging on to someone who clearly wouldn't reciprocate the feelings.
this isn't giving up. but i'm letting you go.
and know that i loved you and stuck by you and your tantrums as you called it.
this is us closing this chapter and starting a new friendship.
it's sth new to me. i'm a lil apprehensive but i'm gonna be open about it as well.
looking at us from a third person's view makes me wanna laugh
i think you just dont know how you feel yet
when you find out, i'll be right here waiting.
i dont want you to be that 'what if' in my life.
Dear Daddy
dear daddy,
i know i'm stubborn just like you.
you say i'm stubborn with no reason, unlike you.
i think i do. just that i don't know where to look for answers.
i make those decisions purely based on gut and emotions.
i'll make no apologies for it.
cuz that's how i chose my friends, that's how i get myself out of compromising situations, that's how i look out for myself.
daddy, we'll agree to disagree.
we're too alike in terms of stubbornness and thinking the other party is wrong.
but i still love you.
always and forever, Erin.
<3
