i hate you
and i've lost all respect for you as my mother
youre never supportive
you always question
youre so fucking judgemental. so quick to jump to conclusions about other people. even your own daughter isnt spared.
youre always losing your temper at people. and when you find out youre in the wrong, you never, never apologise. but then you expect me to??
you've never fulfilled your duty as my mother
all you did was provide food, shelter and an education
you were never there when i needed you most
you never listened
and when you did listen, you turned what i said against me
you turned your back on me
its not that i've become brazen
and im not answering back
im just protecting myself from whatever this is that youre inflicting on me.
you were selfish too.
you divorced daddy when i was just a child
you werent there. you were too busy with lawrence and his children. what about your own? you didnt even let my own father near me. daddy missed out on me growing up. and we can never get that back, ever. i hated my childhood because of you. now, thinking back, it kinda was non-existent.
i guess you were scared to lose me to him. but hey, you alr kinda did when you chose your boyfriends over me. and you always do. you missed out on my most important birthdays because of them.
you have no idea how much you've hurt me.
youre supposed to be my mom.
but all you did was cause me tears.
you made me feel like im such a disappointment to you. i've never made you proud. you've never been proud of me. you never said you loved me.
how can i ever heal from this. when youre constantly doing this to me.
for example, during cny, when i was single, people always asked me where my boyfriend was (they always assumed i had one and no one would ever believe im single. sucks.). and whenever they'd ask me, i'd jokingly reply, which one?
its not so funny anymore now that im really in this situation.
and if i tell anyone, it would seem like im boasting.
but go ahead, call my bluff.
suddenly last night, another guy was added to the equation. The one i used to call Z.
all these boys, minus mr needy, in the end the same thing, it really is too late.
y'all never realised my worth til i was gone.
i never moved on immediately. i always stuck around. all of you knew that.
but its really too late once the grace period is over.
i know this is god's plan. but im not sure whats his point in all of this.
to see how much of this i can take until i cave?
or to see how much of this both of us can handle.
i really, honestly, sincerely hope both of us can get through all of this.
cuz after all of this, i choose you. i hope you dont walk out on me cuz you cannot take it. =(
then theres this other random malay dude who keeps pm-ing me on fb.
disgusting.
babe, i'll show you once you get back. you'll get a laugh out of it.
i think he's old, off his game, and off his rocker.
sigh,i hope you treasure me. not like these other boys.
i've decided to care less. to protect myself. so i wont hurt.
last night when you laid this on me, i went back to my old self.
i smoked. it was my coping mechanism.
after sitting there for like forever, smoking, emo-ing away. i decided that i dont wanna be like how i used to be. unhealthy emotionally.
after making that decision, i didnt even feel the urge to smoke anymore.
my heart felt lighter.
but like i said,
you know how i feel about you.
you know too much. so much so that i've put myself in a very vulnerable position.
not texting you doesnt mean i dont care.
im just guarding myself.
because my life has drama/nonsense/shit happening, i need you to be that pillar for me. i need sth concrete. i dont like this air of uncertainty. and i certainly dont appreciate it.
i suddenly feel like we keep getting tested. it hasnt even been a month. but it alr feels like a few because so much has happened on my side.
first was mr 7 months. then it was mr needy. now it's mr 4-years-ago.
was this what the lord planned for me when i prayed for us?
maybe i see why he's doing this. i think he wants us to work through this to make us stronger.
but i really feel like i need a break.
cant the tests wait til later?! im damn tired la. i've got a lot on my plate. AND I DONT WANNA DEAL WITH THIS SHIT. can i please just not? give me a break.
i would really like to enjoy this. i dont wanna make or break anything. i dont wanna fastforward anything.
you asked me last night, what if a better guy comes along the way?
i told you, he'd be in line behind you.
yes, there's still a line.
until you become that guy for me.
and when you do, all this im feeling will magically disappear and so will that line.
as of now, im single and i dont belong to anyone.
but this property is hot. and you need to claim it soon. just in case.
i am thinking too fucking much, its crazy.
i know i need to stop.
how is this valid?
i have to keep reminding myself of all the things you're not.
this is way out of my comfort zone, its not even funny.
how is this 3 weeks timely? i hardly think so.
i think we need to establish what we are.
i feel like we left things hanging.
i feel like youre sending me mixed signals cuz you yourself arent sure of what you want.
but just to put my mind at ease, you tell me sth more concrete like; we're gonna get tgt, its just a matter of time. but youre not even 100% sure.
you. you have no idea what im going through.
this is just a fraction of how im feeling.
tell me.
tell me what is it im supposed to think,
what is it im supposed to feel.
