day 8
peachy. just peachy.
havent smoked for 8 days and counting.
i had a dream last night that i smoked and it felt so real. i woke up in a panic cuz i felt like my efforts went down the drain.
weird. truth of the matter is it didnt happen. soooo that's that.
BOYFRIEND'S COMING BACK TONIGHT AFTER 3 FRIGGIN WEEKS IN THAILAND. FINALLY.
i miss him.
yessssssssss
i managed to go one day without.
so it's now 1 day and counting.
you can do it erin.
damnnnnn
i honestly wanted to try not smoking. on sat night, i saw cigs on the table and i couldn't tahan. ugh. then i thought i'd try again on sun. on the way home i saw ning. caved again.
i wanna try again but i don't think it's possible cuz i'm probably gonna share a pack with mehv.
note to self: erin, you're trying but not trying hard enough!
i've decided not to smoke today and over the next few days.
let's see how long i can last.
i cut my fringe 2mm too short. fuck.
1. i absolutely love my boyfriend.
2. i'm disappointed in my brother.
3. omg omg omg omg OMG. I JUST FOUND OUT *SHE* WATCHES PORN. EWWWWWWWW~
i think i look like shit now cuz of lack of sleep for the past 2 nights.
yesterday i woke up with a hangover. thank god i dont have it today.
and once again i confirm that the only vodka i can actually tahan is grey goose.
doesnt even make me feel sick. just super red is all.
sat night was, well, SUPER dramatic.
a fight between best friends over nothing. one of them under the influence of alcohol, the other was a lil confused as to why that was happening.
i think i almost got hit cuz the fight got too near me. but thanks to my quick reflexes, hah i saved myself. okay, whatever.
i think bryan (i cant really remember his name except for the fact that he's the vocalist for west grand?) was telling me that i'm lucky - i managed to see like 3 guys cry that night.
all in all the party was okay. but the curry devil rocked my socks.
last night was alright. met many new ppl that i may never see again. many awkward silences at first but after a while it was okay. i joined in for a game of circle of death. but after that i was feeling emo so i just sat out, rather than bring everyone down. i guess it's safe to say i'm the closest to ann over there cuz she doesnt really know anyone either and both of us met WT while clubbing. so we sat and soaked our feet in the(pretty shallow) jacuzzi. and talked. and then big coincidence. the guy she's dating is also in thailand for ns. same as WS. but i dont knowmore about them except that he said my bf was one of his men. oh wells.
time for class.
all's well now.
i just need to think less paranoid.
pfft
i have no idea on what to do or what to think anymore.
i keep feeling emo and thats not the way to go.
all this needs to stop.
all i need is one thing from you and that will make all this go away,
but i dont know how to put it across.
you seem to link everything i say to something negative
it hurts, it really does.
i keep apologising but it never seems enough to me.
i keep feeling like a disappointment to you.
you're the only person i seek love, care and concern from.
the only person i need.
my one constant.
i need everything to be okay so i will be okay.
it's because i'm fixated on and troubled by this one thing and it's making me physically sick.
you're the only one that can make everything okay.
dear godplease guide mei have no idea what to do anymorei've been feeling like that for awhile nowit's starting to take a toll on mei need to stopi need to stop thinking too muchits always the same questions.questions i should know the answers to but somehow i am sometimes confused cuz i feel like i'm getting mixed signals. help me see things clearly.
