The Angst Within Me.
just came back from the prata shop. went alone. haha. no one to go with so i was a loner for once. didn really need company anyways. didn really feel like talking to anyone. didn wanna layan anyone. but thanks for the offer alex, it's the thought that counts. i just needed to get out for some quiet away from home.they were arguing again. bet my mom started it, knowing her. the walls of my room seem paper thin. i could hear what they were arguing about. seems like they cant stand each other. haha. but even though i dont like him one bit, i'm grateful for him. he's taking my mother's attn off me. i remember wishing so hard for her to go get a boyfriend and leave me alone. couldn stand her irritating sharp voice nagging at me everyday. thank you tino for moving in. i initially felt like he was intruding. but i've changed my mindset. at least i've gained some of my freedom. not all though. so now that my wish came true, i have another wish. i wont wish that she'll die, just wish that someone will make her so damn angry til she gets a stroke, since she already has hbp. suffering a stroke is worse than death. that is just what i think. hopefully she'll not be able to talk and turn veggie. just wishing harder whenever she picks on me.
i kinda feel like an orphan. she is always busy. with work, with mahjong. i envy other families when they go out together, have meals together almost everyday. their houses feels more like a home. mine resembles a war zone. at least i think if i live with daddy, i'll be safer. and his girlfriend is more of a mom than gloria is.
anyways, there's a room rented out to a lady and i think my mom hates her guts. no i dont think, i'm quite certain. so whenever both of them are home, i hide in my room. the cosiest and safest place. my mom makes it a point to slam the door when she's sure sandra would hear. how childish. i remember min saying once that my mom and i switched places. i suddenly became the adult in the house. i gave one example that she slammed the door, i think it's childish. i'm sure many people would agree with me.
i said i felt like an orphan because even when i'm home, i'm usually home alone. and even though i'm 19 already, i can't have male guests over. what am i supposed to do? she's so afraid that something might happened. i know the worst already has. and i've been suspecting if my daddy is my real dad. reason being-my blood type, O+. my blood type is one of the many reasons why i suspect. 2: she cheated on my dad once. i said once cuz she was only found out once. it could've happened many times. she is the reason why i turned out the way i am. she is the reason why my family is broken. i hate her. there are many other reasons i will not mention. those 2 are the main reasons. my dad and i were and still are contemplating a DNA test. nahh. it isn't as serious as it seems. my dad and i were joking about it. but my dad and i think alike. if i was half serious about the test, i'm sure he feels the same way. if i were to find out that francis goh isn't my real daddy, it's okay. in my heart, i will acknowledge him as my real dad. he did reassure me before that i'll always be his darling daughter. i only wanna know the truth. even if it hurts. what i don't like to know is that gloria kwok is my real mom. no. she is my father's ex-wife. notice that i'm trying to make it seem like she is not related to me at all. but what's a fact will always remain a fact whether i like it or not. i'm only living with her cuz she has custody of me and that she is supposed to provide for my food and lodging and my welfare, etc.
i hate the way my mom quarrels. she's lousy at that. cuz she uses the loudness of her voice to win and if she knows she's losing, she'll start calling you names. her favourite is 'stupid'. and in my case, everytime she loses, i get slapped. she can't stand the smugness on my face when i win. she can't stand my guts too. i just think she cant stand being inferior to anyone. but if she wants to play mind games, i can play better. only people i cant beat at mind games are my dad and samuel tay. haha. i dare not.
i listen to my mom and do things the way she wants not cuz i'm doing it outta respect. it's cuz i'm afraid of her. no matter how retarded she looks when she puts her hands on her hips. she has that scary stare that i inherited. i'm just happy i dont look like her. it's only the stare thats almost the same. she's ugly, but not because of her exterior. it's cuz of her personality. i will always cower in fear when she shouts my name. it's usually when i forgot to wash the dishes or throw away some rubbish. over small little things like that. she's just scary. my dad finds it funny that i hate her so much that i like to defy her and stuff but i'm still so scared of her.
i remember breaking up or being dumped rather by someone i loved the most out of the rest. i cried long and hard. i think i fell down the day before so i had some abrasions on my knee. my mother came in to tend to my wounds and happened to see me crying. she ended up tending both my inner and outer wounds. for the 1st time i felt like she was my mom. 1st and last. both my parents found out on their own.my mom stumbled on me crying and my dad found out from his mom. because of this incident, i thought things changed between my mom and i. so i made the 1st move to try being more like mother and daughter. i told her everything. like who i'll be meeting , who i'm going out with. knowing me, after that difficult break up, i would be on rebound. so 90 per cent of the people i go out with would be guys. dont even think it's one guy. there were quite a few. but all friends. so i told her about them. like i would share about some dumb things they did that were funny, stuff like that. she always asked why i had so many guy friends. i couldnt help it if i clicked better with guys. not like i have no girl friends. i would joke that i have plenty of boyfriends. and people would joke that i change boyfriends like underwear.
i didn find out til much later she went to tell her friends behind my back that i was a problem kid, has too many boyfriends. i USED to be like that. like 3-4 years back? so long ago. she likes to dwell on the past. i dont think i will ever know why. and once she came in my room to talk to me, i think it was to find some comfort in me. she has lost all her friends due to her temper and she only has me. what a bitch. she bitches about me and then comes to find comfort in me? fucken two faced woman. but i didn offer her the comfort she needed or wanted. i only rattled on and on about her useless boyfriend. she took offence in what i said and used whatever i told her back on me. talked about my tidak apa attitude, about me being so lazy, about me being so useless. "so is that why all your boyfriends broke up with you? so now you're single and nobody wants you?" omg. i didn think anyone's mother could be like that. sucha backstabber. she never stop and think why at the time i kept finding for boyfriends everytime i'm single.
1. i wanted the attention from my boyfriend that i never get at home.
2. i wanted to stop feeling lonely.
3. nobody praises me at home no matter how well i do, everyone keeps focusing on how badly i do and how badly i turned out. i suddenly became the blacksheep on my mother's side of the family. i know for sure that a boyfriend wouldn do that.
4. at least i will feel the love that i hardly ever feel at home. not the same kind of love but at least i would feel wanted.
i hate that the older generations like comparing how well the younger generations do in terms of academics. get to know me better, i may excel in other areas too. my grandmother favours abel (cousin) more than me. cuz he doesn smoke and cuz he does well in school. i do badly in school and i smoke and i drink and it seems that all my friends are considered bad hats, to her. the way her mind works is damn screwed up. but whats the use of favouring him when he doesnt open up to you? at least he tells me stuff. and it's a fair exchange cuz i tell him stuff too. all my grandmother does is tell him not to do this and not to do that. tsk. dont control dood. dont try controling too much. once you start, you cant stop. it'll be neverending. an analogy: you dont give a person air to breath, he'll die of suffocation. let him have his free will to do things so he can breathe. i am making sense right?
and no matter how bitchy i am, i wont backstab someone. thank gawd i didn inherit that from her. she is just like that. just has to have the last say. i'm like that too, but not as bad as her. at least i know my boyfriends got to know me because of my character and/or stuff like that rather than get to know me because of their material needs. gloria, reality check. you need to wake up and smell the shit that is happening right under your nose. or maybe you already know, just that you choose to be in denial and you'd much rather believe that he loves you thats why he says sweet nothings to you, has sex with you, lets you touch and squeeze his ass in public, gives you lovebites. ewww. i shiver at the thought of all that. you wanna turn the tables on me? i can do it too. watch your back woman. dont think you have it all covered. i'm just a timebomb waiting to explode in your face.
i hope that when i wake up, all this will just go away and disappear forever. i've been hoping this for as long as i can remember. but it's always coming back to haunt me. this is me beneath my cheerful exterior. i think the people who know this part of me best is min, leo, meh and shalyn.
thanks for being there for me. esp leo. i really appreciate it. coming all the way down here when you heard me crying over the phone. love you leo. haha. i'm a lousy friend in the sense that i pangseh you quite often. but i know during the times u need me, i will do the same by travelling all the way to sk. by hook or by crook i will get my butt there. but then again, you already have your babies. (=
no matter how much i hate my mom, i will always be at her beck and call. if she were to ask me out to spend time with her, i would make time for her. if she were to ask me to run errands for her, i would. i will be filial to my family.
1. family
2. studies
3. friends
4. boyfriends
Quote: Money talks, bullshit walks.
posted by Rinster @ 3:34 am
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